


Shallow Depth

by BirdLane990



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, F/M, ITS A SOULMATE AU, M/M, get ready for angst fellas, kind of enemies to friends to lovers i guess?, zoevan because theyre precious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-07-17 12:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16095869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdLane990/pseuds/BirdLane990
Summary: The soulmate AU where you have a tattoo/mark on your arm that basically symbolises and represents your soulmate, and things add onto it as important things happen in their lives, etc etc. No spoilers, but it’s gonna get angsty ;)Kleinphy-centric, but I’m going to give time to Zoe and Evan as well.I’m really excited about this fic, and I’m planning on updating at least once a week, maybe twice :D





	1. Chapter 1

Jared looked at his soulmate tattoo in the mirror, like he usually does when he gets out of the shower. 

It was mostly like it was every other day. Black ribbon wrapping around Jared’s arm and ending at the top of his wrist, intertwined with barbed wire. Calla lilies and a fountain pen, sketching a magpie, smoke around its neck. Today, there was something new. Where the ribbon and wire ended at the base of Jared’s wrist, it now faded into an upside down field of white grass. The whole thing was kind of pretty, in a sad and twisted sort of way. Jared especially liked the magpie. It looked at him with a funny sort of depth that a tattoo shouldn’t have.

It’s true that he didn’t go out of his way to find his soulmate, and he didn’t gush over who it might be like Evan with his colorful stars and music notes and whatnot (it was actually very pretty, and it couldn’t be more obvious in Jared’s eyes). But he did lie awake at night sometimes, wondering… 

It didn’t matter, though. When his soulmate came, he would know, and that was final. Plus, he kind of felt like a loser thinking about it so much. 

He got changed and went to bed. Tonight he fell asleep quickly, and he knew it was because he was going to dream.

Dreaming was strange. It was a jumbled mess of fragments of your soulmate’s memories and feelings, and sometimes, if you were lucky, you got a glimpse of them. Jared never really got to see much of his. Except their eyes.

God, they had nice eyes. They were a dark, coffee brown with slivers of blue, like ocean-water crashing on the rocks near the shore or something equally as shitty and sappy as that. This time, Jared dreamt of their eyes, but they weren’t hazy and unfocused as they usually were. This time they were sharp and cold, and there were a few strands of dark brown hair in front of one of them, before it was brushed away. The eyes were brimming with tears, and they were filled with a sort of rage that seeped right into Jared and made him just as angry, angry at them for not understanding, for not even trying to understand, and things were going well…

It was hard to keep the thoughts straight in his mind, because they weren’t his and he had no idea what they were about. Who wasn’t trying to understand? Jared was trying to string something together, make something comprehensible, but it just overwhelmed him and made him fall to the ground, clutching his ears and his eyes and praying, praying for escape, praying for silence…

Everything stilled. Jared removed his hands from his face. They were still shaking. He stood up, the only sound he could hear was the shuddering sigh that escaped him. He looked around. He was standing in a while field, and he could hear a strange, eerie melody dancing on the wind. He took a deep breath, and smelled something he didn’t recognize, something deep and dense and comforting. It’s over, a thought lodged it’s way into his mind, this time crystal clear. The day is over. He couldn’t tell who’s voice it was, and when he tried to recall it he found he couldn’t remember how it sounded at all, just the words. The day is over.

Jared wakes up. He’s sweating, but he feels… safe. He shakily gets dressed and ready for school, brushing his teeth and trying to make his hair look less tragic (and failing). He hastily gobbles down a bowl of cereal and murmurs a goodbye to his mom. He nearly misses his bus, but he makes it just in time. Evan beams at him from one of the back seats, and he joins him.

He and Evan talk about simple, unimportant things. Evan’s anxiety is still there, but it’s getting better, and Jared’s proud of him. He says so.

Evan peers at him, fighting down a smile. “The-The ‘insanely cool Jared Kleinman’ being genuine? You must really mean it.” Evan said, and Jared nodded. Then, just so he didn’t seem too sappy, he made a sarcastic jab (though this time it was more of a sarcastic poke), and to Jared’s delight, Evan made one right back. 

Jared wasn’t a perfect friend. He could barely even call himself a friend at all, from the things he said to Evan sometimes. But he was trying to change, and it was making a small but noticeable difference. One time he introduced Evan as his friend instead of family friend and Evan almost cried. He had to escort him to the bathroom and convince him that No Evan, I’m not joking. He still let things slip sometimes, but that was just Jared’s way to cope with things, and Evan was starting to understand that more.

Jared’s classes went by like they usually did. He barely participated, made some inappropriate jokes here and there, and was generally in a state of absolute boredom. 

Everything was always a routine. He knew how things would go and then they went that way. Sometimes there were changes, but they were always small. Like Evan telling him about a conversation he had with Zoe, or Jared tripping and scraping his knee in the parking lot. Everything was a cycle, and it wore Jared down. Every day it was harder for him to try to find reasons to keep going, to not just give up. But he always did it. Even if every time a little bit of his patience chipped away.

Evan texted him early the next morning. Jared groaned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, his gaze flickering towards his phone.

Tree-banger- JARED

Tree-banger- JARED PLEASE don’t do the thing where you see my messages and don’t answer them and then apologize and then do it again because you don’t feel like talking or doing anything

Tree-banger- I mean i understand obviously and i know right now depression has you sort of weird, oh god sorry if that sounded rude its just this is an emergency!

\- jesus fuck its okay evan

\- what is it

Tree-banger- Okay so it started in english when me and Zoe were put into pairs for a pairs project about this book and i was nervous obviously haha and i was just fumbling all over the place but she just smiled at helped me, and jared if you could see her smile it was like the smile was just for me, so natural and personal and just perfect

Tree-banger- But that’s not what this is about! See because then she dropped her pencil and i went to pick it up for her but so did she and out soulmate arms touched and Jared! We felt the thing and looked at each other and then at our arms and my star comet things curled around my wrist and up my finger and intertwined with some vines or something on her finger and now we have the soulmate ring and JARED, Zoe Murphy is my soulmate!!!

Tree-banger- and now she invited me to go to her house for dinner and i asked if i could bring you because i was nervous and i can't do it alone and she said it was fine so jared please please please you have to come with me 

-holy shit evan!

-congratulations! its about time you get that ass

-i knew it by the way

Tree-banger- im going to ignore the ass thing! thanks! I still can't believe it 

-and i GUESS i can find time in my extremely crowded schedule to come with you

-but you owe me like a thousand friendship points. Oh god dinner at the murphy’s this is gonna suck

-when is it

Tree-banger- Yeah obviously i owe you all the friendship points! Thank you so much!

Tree-banger: … today

-EVAN WHAT

Tree-banger- sorry! Sorry sorry sorry

-its okay its not like i had plans or anything 

-ill go pick me up at whatever time

Tree-banger- okay! THANK YOU SO MUCH i promise ill never ramble to you about zoe again!

-no offense evan but i dont believe thats possible

Jared locked his phone, staring at the floor. Well, he thought, getting ready for school, this time considerably more sluggish, it’s a break from the routine.

School went by in the blink of an eye. It was the same as any other day, except this time, the lingering dread of going to dinner at the Murphys’ residence was present. When Jared got dressed, all he could think about what how he should act, what he would say. How was he supposed to behave? But his mind was void of all thoughts as he got into Evan’s car, staring at the pine car freshener, grounding himself. There was nothing left now except this.

“Hey Jared! I’ve been thinking, and it’s okay if you don’t want to come. My therapist said my anxiety’s really improving, and I think maybe I can- you know, do this on my own.” Evan said, looking at him and flashing him a quick smile. Jared looked at him for a moment. This was it. An avenue, a choice.

Jared grinned and shook his head. “Nah, I’ll come with you. Who else is gonna tell them embarrassing stories about you?” Jared asked deviously and they launched into a brief argument, Evan mostly pleading him not to say anything and Jared mostly laughing. He could have just gone home. But he didn’t. He wanted this, too. Something different from what happened everyday.

They arrived and Evan knocked on the door. Jared held his breath as Cynthia Murphy answered it, smiling warmly at them and inviting them inside. The house was minimalistic but elegant all at once, spotless and shiny just about everywhere. Something tensed in Jared. It felt almost staged, artificial.

Cynthia led them to the dining table, where Larry and Zoe murphy were sitting. Zoe stood up, hugging Evan and greeting Jared politely. Larry simply nodded in their direction, his expression apprehensive. They ate vegan meatloaf, and it was okay. Larry assaulted Evan with questions, and Evan struggled to answer some of them. Jared helped him, and Evan shot him grateful smiles. Cynthia’s questions were friendlier, safer. Zoe didn’t ask any questions, eyeing her father and chiming in every now and then with a remark or comment. Jared didn’t speak much. Nobody mentioned Connor, and it made Jared uncomfortable. The way they seamlessly cut out their son was a little bit disturbing. Zoe sometimes glanced at the stairs, but otherwise, Connor didn’t come up in any conversations. It was polished, and Jared had a feeling it was practiced.

Halfway through dinner Jared had to go to the bathroom. Cynthia told him where it was upstairs, and as he walked up the stairs he heard a door close, so low he almost missed it. His head snapped up to a door at the end of the hall. Connor was standing there, his shoulder-length hair rustling slightly. He looked at Jared, his eyes empty, blank. He walked up to Jared, in the same way he sometimes approached the jocks at school when they picked on him. The jocks usually took a few steps back and brushed him off. Jared stayed put. 

“If he hurts her, I’ll know.” He said, his voice little above a murmur, and this time his eyes held a clear message; a warning. Jared frowned, furrowing his eyebrows. Jared knew that sometimes soulmates didn’t work out. It was uncommon, but not unheard of. That’s not what bothered him.

“He won’t. He’s not like that.” Jared said, looking Connor sternly in the eye. Connor’s nose flared for a moment, but then his shoulders drooped and he gave a curt nod. Jared expected him to turn away and stalk into his room again. Instead, Connor’s gaze dropped to Jared’s soulmate arm. It was bare, since he was wearing a flannel, so the mark was clear. Jared crossed his arms, covering it up as best as he could. He didn’t want Connor to see what it looked like. Why would he even care?

Connor frowned, rolling his eyes. He eventually turned and walked back into his room, closing the door behind him. Jared let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and finally pissed.

The rest of the night went fine. Conversation was a bit stilted, and Larry made an offhand comment that Zoe called him out on, leading into a very subtle and passive aggressive argument, but other than that it was pretty tame. When Evan had finally finished saying goodbye to Zoe and Evan opened the door to leave, Jared swore he could see Connor at the top of the stairs, for a moment. Evan pulled him to the car before he could determine whether or not it was just in his head. 

“So how did I do? Do you think they noticed how nervous I was?” Evan asked, his voice shaky as they drove to Jared’s house to drop him off. Jared scoffed.

“Definitely.” Jared said. “But it’s fine. They saw how mushy you and Zoe were around each other so they won’t give you trouble.” He then added, after Evan gave him a dismayed look.

When Jared got home, he told his parents where he’d been, and exclaimed that he needed to do homework before they could throw any questions at him. He didn’t do any homework. Instead, he thought of how he knew, somewhere, that the night had been important. Something changed, when he saw Connor at the end of the hall. Jared had a feeling things would be getting complicated pretty soon.

This night, when he dreamed, it was dark. The blanket of night above him was starless, and that was comforting to Jared, for some reason. The wind was quieter this time, it’s eerie melodies fading into a soft tune he couldn’t make out.He was in the field again. He closed his eyes and focused on how the cold breeze felt against him, and when he opened them again, he thought that for a moment he could see someone, at the other side of the wide field. They vanished before Jared could tell who they were, but still, Jared had the distinct feeling that in here, in the field of white grass and weak wind, he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AaaAAAAAAA HERE IT IS
> 
> I’m really excited about this! Let me know what you think in the comments :’)))


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have another chapter because i finished it early :D
> 
> TY to my beta reader and v good friend! u know who u are, pls get an ao3 account so i can credit u properly ily

Connor stared at his soulmate mark with contempt. 

It wasn’t ugly, or unpleasant or anything. There was an hourglass, with water in it instead of sand. The water was a sea-green, and it was always resting at the bottom of the hourglass. There was a wax figure in it, drowned. Swirling around the hourglass were countless dragonflies, their wings luminescent and light. To the right of the hourglass there was a fist made of the same water, tight and angry. To the left of the hourglass there was a an ivory laughing mask. The dragonflies trailed up to his wrist, where they faded into a stream of the water, ending at the base of his palm. It was a beautiful soulmate mark, really. 

That’s why he despised it. He hated that he liked looking at it, that it was a reminder that there was someone out there for him. It made him feel important even though he knew he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be here, not one fucking bit. If he left, his family would grieve for a while, and they’d move on. If that were all that was at stake he’d have already offed himself.

But he couldn’t, could he? Not when there was someone out there who might be looking for him. The loss of a soulmate is excruciatingly painful, physically and emotionally. Connor couldn’t do that to someone, not when he could be the one keeping them adrift too. He hated himself with a burning passion, but he wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain on the person that he was supposedly meant for.

So he grit his teeth and stuffed his shit into his head, keeping it back there and ignoring it. He woke up and he ate sometimes, and he snapped at people and cut himself bloody, but he stayed alive. Connor hung on, even though it made his skin and heart and head hurt like hell. Whoever his soulmate was had better be the best fucking person in the world.

He heard a knock on his bedroom door. He pulled down his sleeve and rolled his eyes, ignoring it. The knocking grew more intense, and Connor grabbed his headphones, plugging them into his phone and listening to one of his playlists at full volume. 

The intense knocking turned into heavy banging, so strong that Connor could see the door about to splinter. He groaned loudly, ripping off his headphones. “What?” he yelled, and when the knocking ceased, he huffed and stood up, opening his bedroom door indignantly.

Zoe.

She was wearing a heavily patched denim jacket over a baseball tee, donning her usual cuffed jeans. There was a bag slung over he shoulder, and her hair was braided. Connor squinted. There were indigo streaks in it. That was new. He vaguely remembered her dying her hair a while back, but he’d never really payed it any mind. It didn’t look terrible. When he glanced back at her, she looked nervous.

“Why the fuck were you beating on my door like that?” Connor fumed, glaring at her. She seemed unaffected by it. What was she playing at? Was she here to show Connor how much better she is now that she’s found her soulmate? Here to rub it in his face? Here to make him feel guilty for everything he’d done? 

“I’m gonna grab some food. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.” She said, her voice calm and level. Connor blinked. She couldn’t be serious. Absolutely not.

“Just because I’m not threatening you anymore doesn’t mean I want to spend time with you. Tolerating each other doesn’t equal a perfect relationship, if you didn’t fucking know.” He said angrily, shoving his hands in his pockets. Her expression wavered, and fell into an uneasy frown.

“I know it’s not perfect.” She said, her voice faltering. “But we can work on it, right? I don’t-” She stumbled over her words, something he had never heard her do. “ I mean, In 10 years, I don’t want to be one of those people who only ever sees their sibling once a year. I know it’ll take a while and it’ll never be all great because of all of the history, but- but I want a brother. I want my brother. Back. I deserve that.” She said, pausing. “I’m willing to try harder if you are.” She said, and she had a hopeful look in her eye. Connor’s shoulders slumped, and he hated how the anger just left his body, replaced with guilt and something else.

He knew he was a shitty brother. He used to threaten Zoe and scare her half to death every day. Sometimes when they were younger she’d sleep with their parents because she was afraid Connor would actually go through with something he’d said. Knowing he was shitty didn’t make it any easier. Sometimes he tried to be better, to compliment her or say something not emotionally scarring, but it was just so fucking hard. He didn’t know how to fix things. He only seemed to break things down further.

But now, here she was. Connor had verbally abused and bullied her for years, and yet Zoe was standing here, trying to fix things. Offering to fix things, with him. I’m willing to try harder if you are.

Connor didn’t really know what kind of person he would be if he said no. And also, though he wouldn’t admit it anytime soon, there was a part of him, deep down, that wanted his sister back too.

“I am. Willing to try harder, I mean.” He said, and cleared his throat. “I know that apologizing won’t fix anything, so I won’t. But I’ll try- I’ve been trying to be better. So. I’ll try harder.” He said, and Zoe smiled at him. It was nice, her smile. He didn’t remember her ever smiling at him before.

They ended up going to Chilis, and they finally talked about the things they’d been keeping back for so long. They spoke about their parents; Connor about their neglection towards him, Zoe about her subtle hatred for the bullshit they’d spew sometimes. They spoke about their childhood, and Zoe told him how she felt, how she really felt. She said she used to want to hurt him, to make him feel as shitty as he did her. She said used to want to kill him, just to get away from him. Connor told her about how he had used her as an outlet for his anger, and how he always felt even worse afterwards. He told her he never apologized because he was paranoid about what she would do, because he knew an apology wasn’t sufficient. He apologized to her now, and Zoe accepted. Connor started tearing up and excused himself to go to bathroom and get himself together and stop being a pussy. They stayed there for hours, and eventually they had to kick the both of them out because they were hogging the table.

It was stilted sometimes. They’d approach a topic and then skirt away from it, obviously avoiding it but not saying anything. But it was good. Connor felt like maybe this was what was missing. Maybe if he’d had Zoe, she might have stopped him from thinking some of the things he thought. 

They both exited the Chilis with faint smiles still on their faces. It was nice.

That is, until they spotted Jared Kleinman sitting on one of the mall benches, scrolling through his phone and looking unamused.

Connor kept walking. Please don’t see him, please don’t see him…

“Hey! Jared!” She said brightly, waving at him. Connor sighed and turned around. Jared’s head snapped up to them, and he sent a wave their way. Zoe marched towards him, and Connor had no choice but the follow.

“Jared! What’re you doing here?” She asked, smiling at him. Apparently she and Jared had become friends now that they knew each other better (through Evan, of course). Jared smiled back, but his eyes were wary, and they glanced off to the side for a moment before meeting her eyes again. He hadn’t looked at Connor yet.

“Me and Evan were shopping for… Well, it’s kind of a secret.” Jared said apologetically. He hadn’t cracked a bad joke yet, so Connor supposed it was tolerable. “Evan’s in the bathroom, probably jerking off to a picture of you or something.” He said, and Connor shot him a deadly glare. Jared looked at Connor this time, and he noticed there was something off. He didn’t have the haughty glint in his eye that he usually did, and now that Connor thought back on it, his inappropriate comment didn’t have the same fire.

Jared looked away before Connor could think about it any further. Zoe didn’t seem to take offense to the comment, simply snorting and shaking her head. “I’ll wait for him outside, see if I can scare him.” She said eagerly, and Jared nodded, before looking back up at Connor. He wiggled his eyebrows at him. Connor glared back.

“So. Connor. Con-con. Connie-boy. What’re you guys doing here?” Jared asked, and Connor shuffled his feet, his glare unwavering.

“None of your fucking business.” Connor spat and Jared rolled his eyes at him.

“You know, you should be nicer to your sister’s soulmate’s best friend. You’re probably gonna be seeing a lot of me.” Jared pointed out, and Connor’s eye twitched.

“Maybe if you haven’t harassed me in the halls for the entirety of high school I would consider it. And you think you can call that guy your friend? Didn’t you use to bully the fuck out of him, too?” Connor asked, and Jared’s expression wavered, his jaw setting. He looked away from Connor and they waited in an uncomfortable silence before Evan and Zoe returned, hand in hand. Connor watched curiously as Jared’s uneasy expression flipped into an indifferent mask as they approached. 

“Done sucking Evan off in the stalls?” Jared deadpanned, and Evan turned a furious shade of red as Zoe laughed and shook her head. Connor wrinkled his nose in disgust at the thought, still looking at Jared suspiciously. His mood had changed awfully quick.

They ended up walking around the mall some more. Zoe visited some stores and Connor looked longingly at a Hot Topic. They got some Churros. It was fine, but conversation was weird. Evan and Zoe didn’t really pay attention to Connor’s comments or Jared’s (pitiful) jokes, so they ended up just fading out of the conversation. It wasn’t Evan or Zoe’s fault; They were soulmates. This was expected. 

“Hey, me and Evan are gonna go look at this thing, you guys wanna wait outside?” Zoe asked, and they both nodded disinterestedly. Connor glanced over at Jared, who was staring off into space.

“Weird, huh?” Jared asked, and Connor frowned. When Jared saw his expression, he cleared his throat.

“Having to hang around soulmates when you haven’t found yours yet.” Jared clarified. He had tried to make his voice sound light but Connor could hear something deeper there. 

“Aren’t you happy for him? For them?” Connor asked, letting a sliver of anger slip into his words. Jared didn’t seem to notice it.

“I am.” He said, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Connor. “Nevermind.” He said, and for a moment, Jared looked tired, worn out. But it was gone as soon as it came.

“I know what you mean.” Connor insisted. “It’s just… Zoe is happy. She’s deserved that for a long time,I haven’t been able to give that to her. I’m sure you feel the same for Evan.” Connor said, and Jared looked at him oddly.

“You’ve changed, huh?” He asked, and Connor blinked at him. 

“You too.” Connor said, surprising himself, and he could see Jared’s eyes widen and his lips quirk up in a small, surprised smile, before he huffed and looked away, traces of the smile still on his face. Connor thought about that for a while. For a long while.

Evan and Zoe came back, and they walked around a bit more, all of them looking increasingly more weary.

It was late now, and Evan and Jared said they had to go. Zoe kissed Evan goodbye, Evan’s face a furious shade of red. Zoe hugged Jared (who was surprised and stumbled back a bit), and before they both left, Connor saw Jared give him a little nod, which he returned. 

When they both got back into the car, Zoe was beaming. When Connor questioned her, she deflected, and instead put the focus on him.

“So. What did you think?” She asked, and Connor rolled his eyes. 

“I already told you, Evan’s a little wimpy but he’s okay.” He said, and Zoe groaned impatiently, shaking her head.

“Not him, Jared.” She said, and she had a mischievous glint in her eye. Oh no, he thought as he squinted at her suspiciously.

“Why do you care?” He asked, and Zoe smiled like she was expecting this answer. She looked at him and he punched her arm, telling her to focus on the road.

“Why are you changing the subject? I was just curious.” She said innocently, and Connor scoffed.

“Bullshit.”

“Just answer the question.” 

Connor sighed in defeat. “There’s not anything to say. He’s Jared.” He said, inflicting as much disgust as he could into the name. Zoe tilted her head, quirking her lips to the side.

“Is that good or bad?” She asked.

“It’s whatever. He’s gotten less shitty, I guess.” Connor replied, and Zoe nodded, looking speculative.

“Yeah, he has. You know he’s actually pretty nice when you get to know him, even though he’s a total dork. I think you two could get along.” She said, and Connor scowled. 

“Why are you telling me this?” He asked grudgingly, and Zoe pressed her lips into a thin line.

“No reason. It’s just, you guys will probably be seeing each other a lot now that me and Evan know we’re soulmates.” She said, and then looked hesitant before continuing. “And I was thinking… Well, Evan was telling me about Jared and how he’s not seeing anyone and-“

Connor cut her off with a resounding, “No, fuck you. I know what you’re about to say and if you say it I’m going to punch in your dashboard.” He said warningly, and Zoe huffed in annoyance.

“Look, Connor. I’m pretty sure he’s not your soulmate. But a loads of people date before they meet their soulmate, you know, to practice.” She said, and smirked. “Plus, Jared’s pretty cute. And don’t think I haven’t noticed how you stare at him all the time. Seriously, major heart-eyes.” She said, and Connor scoffed.

“They’re not heart eyes. They’re hate eyes. I stare at him angrily.” Connor said, and then shook his head. “Anyways, no. That’s not happening, ever. He’s still an asshole, even after he changed a little.”

Zoe frowned at him. “You see, that’s the problem. You don’t know him. The front he puts up isn’t all there is to him, Connor. People are three dimensional. He’s a lot more than he leads on.” Zoe said sagely, and glanced over at Connor. “I used to think he was an asshole, too. But now I know better.”

Connor shook his head and Zoe sighed. “Okay, don’t date him. Fine. But at least get to know him better, as a friend.” She said hopefully, and Connor rubbed eyes tiredly. 

“Okay, god. Fine. But if he references another outdated vine, I’m killing him, and you fucking know you’re gonna have to help me hide the body.” Zoe smiled as if she’d been expecting him to cave.

“I know you’ll come around, Connor. The least you can do is give him another chance.” She said. Connor knew what she really meant. If she was capable of forgiving Connor for everything he did to her, Connor not giving Jared a shot after a few years of mild torment would be petty.

Knowing Jared a little better wouldn’t be too bad. It’d be annoying as hell and absolutely insufferable 99% of the time, but there were worse things. Like disappointing Zoe, just after they’d worked it out. Connor owed it to Zoe to at least humor her, even when the consequences were having his brain cells wither listening to Jared Kleinman quote memes or whatever the hell he did in his free time. 

When they arrived at their house, Connor made a beeline for his room like he usually did. Zoe took longer, taking her shopping bags and explaining to their parents where they were. It was weird hearing Zoe defending him, but it was a welcome change.

It was late. Connor took out his sketchbook, neglecting his homework as he started drawing the outline of a face.

He wasn’t thinking of anything in particular, and he didn’t really have a face in mind. He listened to one of his playlists as he drew, nodding along to one of the songs as he erased an ear. 

He erased the nose. Too thin. He redrew the smile a dozen times, trying to get it just right. Dimples. Eyes crinkled in laughter. Messy hair. He drew, and at one point his hand just started moving by itself, confident in its strides. It felt good, to do this, to be okay at something. To have something that was just for him. 

He finished the drawing and looked at it appraisingly. There was a rising feeling in his stomach that he didn’t like at all. Because it looked very familiar to one Jared Kleinman. Connor crumbled up the paper and tossing it into the garbage can, because screw that bullshit. He ripped his earbuds off and tossed himself into bed, not even caring enough to change. 

As he was falling asleep, he had a fleeting thought, clear in his mind. That was maybe one of the best drawing he’d ever made. 

He slept dreamlessly, the only recognizable presence being an underlying sense of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big gayz
> 
> pls comment i will love you


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> besides this one ill probs post another chapter this week sksksks
> 
> tysm 2 my friend @Bird_Stream for beta reading this,,, gj on finally getting an account b ily

Jared felt a soft pat on his shoulder, which he swatted away clumsily. 

“Jared, you’ll- you’ll get in trouble. Didn’t you get any sleep last night?” Evan asked, and Jared groaned, swatting at Evan’s face this time, albeit half-heartedly, and missing. Jared was currently sitting head-down in English, dozing off and stealing the few minutes of sleep that he could. 

“I did. But Ms. Xanax over there talks so fast I can’t understand shit.” Jared argued, not bothering to lift his head. He heard Evan sigh, and he wasn’t bothered again, which he was grateful for. 

His classes passed by slowly and painfully, as always. Jared was fairly smart, and he could probably excel at his classes if he bothered to put the effort in, but lately he just felt worn out. It was so much easier to just not do anything, to let the grades slip in exchange for nights void of procrastinated schoolwork. 

When the dismissal bell finally rang, Jared let out a holy sigh of relief, and he was the first to rush out of class, making a beeline for the doors of the school. 

Evan bumped into him, muttering a slew of apologies which he promptly shrugged off. “Hey Jared! I’m gonna walk home with Zoe today, sorry! I’ll walk with you tomorrow.” Evan said quickly, and ran off before Jared could respond, probably in search of Zoe. Jared was already walking out of the school gate when he realized that Evan hadn’t even stuttered, or stammered over his words.

Jared was happy for him, he really was. Evan and Zoe were perfect for each other, and Evan deserved happiness. Zoe was helping him with his anxiety, and even though it was still there, it was dulled by her presence. 

It’s just that seeing Evan and Zoe so happy together made him realize how much he was missing out on. Maybe he wanted to meet his soulmate more than he had anticipated. It certainly seemed so. Every time Zoe and Evan kissed nervously or held hands or looked at each other in that way only soulmates could, Jared’s figure slumped and his heart ached with longing. He wasn’t jealous of either of them. He just wanted what they had.

He was jostled out of his thoughts by persistent shouting, coming from up ahead of where he was walking home, on the sidewalk. Jared glanced upwards instinctively.

Connor Murphy was arguing heatedly with a tall, douchey looking guy. They weren’t brawling or anything, but Jared knew they had gotten physical at some point by the bruise on Connor’s high cheekbone. He stopped in his tracks, trying to pick apart the situation.

He couldn’t hear anything, and even if he had, the climax of the event had already happened. The guy eventually stormed off, but only after shoving Connor back into a fence, muttering something deadly under his breath to him. Connor flipped him off behind his back and raised a hand to touch his bruise, before dropping it immediately once he spotted Jared.

Too late to just walk past now, Jared thought as he approached warily. Connor’s expression grew gradually more irritated as he got closer, until he was scowling at Jared unpleasantly.

“What the fuck do you want?” He asked, and Jared stilled, pressing his mouth into a thin line. This was definitely not the best time to have bothered Connor, as he could see plainly in the taller boy’s cutting glare.

“What’s up with that? I thought the oh-so-intimidating Connor Murphy was untouchable.” Jared said, raising an eyebrow and pointing at the bruise. Connor rolled his eyes, shifting his weight to his left leg and leaning against the fence.

“Evidently, no.” Connor replied dryly, and then he shot Jared a loaded, incomprehensible look. “Don’t tell anyone about this.” He said, but his voice lacked its usual threatening bite, as if he was making an effort to be civil. Jared huffed at that thought.

“Don’t worry. Evan would kill me. You’re his Soulmate’s bro and all that.” Jared said, and Connor looked at him apprehensively for a few moments before simply nodding. They stood in uncomfortable silence for a while until Jared looked back at his bruise. It was darkening now, the purple spreading nastily across his cheek. 

“I, uh.” Jared cleared his throat. “I have some makeup, if you want to cover that up before you go home. It’s probably too tan for you, but, you know…” Jared offered, speaking hurriedly, his gaze downcast. When he looked up again, Connor looked confused.

“You have makeup? Why?” He asked, and Jared blinked back at him. He shouldn’t have even mentioned it.

Jared never cut himself. The thought was too unpleasant for him to consider, and he knew he’d probably faint once he saw the blood. So when all liveliness emptied and burning thoughts branded themselves into his head, each one stinging more painful than the last, all of his energy turned into a deep, cold bitterness, all he could think to do was punch.

And afterwards, when the bruises blooming on his legs proved to be very visible, makeup was the only thing that could cover them up. It was natural for him to carry some around with him. But there was no way in hell he was telling Connor that. 

“Why do you wear eyeliner? Or nail polish?” Jared deflected pointedly. “It’s 2018. Not worth it to get our panties in a twist over something like boys wearing makeup.” Jared muttered, and he wasn’t lying. Even if he didn’t wear makeup for fun, he still thought it was stupid whenever anyone made fun of guys for something that didn’t hurt anyone and frankly, looked hot as hell.

Connor looked extremely confused now, looking at Jared with brows furrowed intensely. “Oh.” He said, voice strangled, and then he looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’m not heading home right now. And my parents have seen worse, so. That’s not really necessary.” He said curtly. As he turned to walk away, Jared spoke again.

“Where are you going?” Jared asked. Connor turned back to him, irritation creeping onto his face again. Jared wanted to test just how far this weird silent truce between them would go. Test the waters, and all that.

“Public library.” He said tightly.

“Which one?” Jared asked.

“Baywalk.” Connor answered through gritted teeth. Jared fought back a smile. Bothering Connor was kind of fun.

“Nice! What’re you gonna read? Are you going to study, hash out that nerdiness straight onto the library table? Or maybe use the computers and change the wallpapers to porn screenshots? I did that once, freshman year, it was so sick. Totally fucking traumatized some 6 year olds.” Jared rambled, watching gleefully as Connor’s face contorted into one of absolute disgust.

“Okay, stop.” Connor said, holding up a hand. “Before I impale myself on this fence.” He said, pointing to the crude, sharp tips of the wire fence. Jared pouted.

“Aw, c'mon, Murphy! I’m just messing with you. I thought we were Certified Friends™️ now.” Jared joked, and Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a deep, exhausted sigh.

“Tolerating you doesn’t equal friendship. I’m only doing this for Zoe’s sake.” Connor said, and Jared nodded.

“Yeah, natch. Anyways, being annoying is just a permanent quality of mine, and I’m like that around everyone. So you’d better start getting used to it!” Jared exclaimed with an obnoxious grin, and Connor groaned as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Fuck. Okay, whatever. I’d like to get to the library today, thanks.” Connor said, and then turned to leave, this time speed walking.

“See ya!” Jared shouted after him. Connor flipped him off, and Jared snorted.

He still hadn’t apologized for tormenting Connor earlier on in high school. He knew he had to one of these days. But he could put it off for now. Jared didn’t want to confront that part of himself, not anytime soon. 

The rest of his walk home was calm and still. The breeze picked up and messed up his hair, and he groaned as he picked up his pace, finally reaching his house.

As he was about to open the door, Jared’s phone vibrated in his pocket, and then again, and then again and again. He frowned, fishing around in his pocket for it and reading the messages. 

Tree-banger- JARED

Tree-banger- JARED PLEASE come over

Tree-banger- i dontknow what i didwrong

Tree-banger- wewere talking and then i saidsomething and she stormed offand now she wontanswer my calls or texts

Tree-banger- jared what if she breaks up with me? were soulmates were supposed to be together this cant be happening

Tree-banger- jared please answer! i dont knowwhat to do

 

Jared sucked in a breath. He was going to clobber Zoe Murphy.

 

-okay, breathe

-do you want me to come over?

Tree-banger- noits fine but can you call me i cant typ properly righnow

-okay,

Jared called Evan, who picked up after the first ring. 

“Jared I swear we were just talking! I probably messed everything up- everything is messed up now!” Evan sounded panicked. Jared frowned, leaning against his door, his mouth a thin line.

“Okay, just tell me what happened. All of it.” Jared said, keeping his voice calm. 

“Alright, w-well we were just having a nice chat… And then I went on a plant rant, about this tree I saw on my way to the grocery store, and then I kept talking and talking and talking even when she checked her phone, I mean in hindsight it’s obvious she was uninterested, god I was probably so annoying, but anyways then she got angry and just ran off and I never know when to shut up!”

“Okay, Evan. Do you know what was on her phone?”

“Um, I don’t know? I think she said it was a text from her brother? What does that have to do with anything?”

Jared sighed. “Oh, okay. She was probably just mad because Connor was out today, and wasn’t going to get back for a while.” 

Jared heard Evan’s deep sigh of relief. “Oh, oh. Okay. Wow, phew. So… So I didn’t ruin it?”

“I don’t think you could if you tried. You guys are perfect for each other. By the way, gag.” 

He heard Evan laugh, and then pause. “Wait. How did you know that about Connor?”

Jared blinked. “I ran into him while I was walking home.” 

“Oh, cool. You guys were… Good?” Evan asked tentatively, and Jared knew it was an indirect way of asking if Jared had been an asshole.

“Something like that, yeah.”

“You know… It’s good that you guys are getting along! Zoe and I think you could be good friends.” 

“Woah, woah, hold your horses. I wouldn’t call it getting along. Don’t you remember how I literally was shit to him in the past? I don’t think he could ever forgive me, probably.”

“Well, he’s changed. Zoe told me about it. Says he’s making amends with her… Maybe you can make amends with him.”

Jared frowned. “I don’t know, Evan. I just feel bad.”

“Alright. Just, don’t- uh- just think about it. Consider it. Maybe you’ll be surprised.” Evan’s voice sounded hopeful. Of course it did. He wanted his best friend and his soulmate’s brother to get along. He didn’t want friction whenever he and Zoe dragged Jared and Connor along with them when they went out to places, when they made them the third wheels. When all they did was talk and talk and talk about each other. 

_It’s not their fault. It’s you. Zoe and Evan are two of the best people in the world and you still see the bad in them. You see the bad in everything. You know you’re fucked, and you’re selfish so you try to bring people down with you. Disgusting._

“Jared? Are you there?” Evan asked, a sliver of worry creeping into his voice. Jared swallowed thickly. 

_You’re a bad friend. A bad person. You don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve anything. You only trick yourself into believing that you do._

“Yeah. I have to go. Homework and all that.” He said shortly, before hanging up.

He was still leaning against his door. And now, the breeze felt imperceptibly colder, sharp like knives, cutting into him and hollowing him out.

_You always end up here._

 

——

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip jared


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeehaw
> 
> ty 2 my best friend/beta reader Bird_Stream again for beta reading this monstrosity ily
> 
> anyways this chapter features zoe being gr8 as usual, Alana (FINALLY), and angst ::))

When Connor finally got home at around 11:00 pm, he thought he knew how things were going to play out. Larry would scream and scold him, his mother would try to get him to talk to her, and Zoe would listen intently but not interfere, hiding away in her room. That’s how it had always been, ever since high school began. Ever since his parents started worrying that they’d done something wrong.

It was awful at first, the constant chaos, the tension in the air so thick that it was suffocating. The way sometimes he could hear his mom crying in her room, the way Larry’s hands trembled after he finished reprimanding him. The way Zoe so easily avoided it all. 

But, eventually, he got used to it. Like hands that callous when they learn to work with roughness, he hardened and grew resistant. It’s not that the way he felt got any better. He still hated it. But he learned how to not show it. It became such a common routine that he grew to expect it, so when it happened, he wasn’t as disappointed in himself, which he was glad for. The same went for his parents. Larry still shouted, and his mom still cried sometimes, but in a way, that was normal.

So they didn’t talk about it afterwards, they never discussed it. It was something they knew was going to happen eventually. Connor would arrive late, visibly shaken, Larry would claim he was high, his mother would tell his father to calm down, and Zoe would observe quietly from her perch. It wasn’t good, or right, or healthy. But it was normal. And people take comfort in normality.

So when Connor arrived late to his house, and opened the door, and was greeted with absolute silence, he stilled. He looked around, and his father was watching Tv. His mother was in the kitchen. Zoe wasn’t upstairs, in fact, she was sitting at the dinner table, scrolling idly on her phone.

For the first time in years, when Connor arrived, the Murphy household was quiet.

“Connor, sweetie, where were you?” His mother asked mildly, her voice unwavering and void of suspicion. He frowned at her, considering his options.

“Out.” He said, and at this his father looked over at him. Connor tensed, his father’s eyes flickering over the bruise on his cheekbone. But to his surprise, he didn’t say anything, Larry only clenched his jaw and seemingly forced himself to keep his eyes on the TV.

His mother seemed to notice it too. “Are you alright? You seem on edge.” Cynthia asked politely, and Zoe snorted. Connor nodded curtly and headed up to his room, but not before pulling Zoe up with him. She protested, but eventually gave in and they walked into his room, shutting the door behind them.

“Okay. What the hell was that?” He asked, and Zoe smirked.

“What do you mean? Nothing happened.” She said, and Connor huffed, sitting on his bed. 

“Exactly. Absolutely nothing.” He said, and then looked up at her. “Did you drug them?”

Zoe shook her head innocently, and busied herself examining her fingernails. “No. I just had a little chat with them.” She looked back at him. “I told them you were getting better. That they should get off your case for a while.” She said, and Connor’s mind went blank.

Even though he and Zoe’s relationship was improving, he still was wildly unaccustomed to her being nice to him, much less standing up for him. It wasn’t unwelcome, but it was… strange. Out of place. He swallowed thickly and nodded, finally composing himself.

“Oh. Thanks, I guess.” He replied, and Zoe grinned, giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder.

“No problem! Now let’s talk about where you went on your fun excursion.” Zoe said, her smile now looking awfully sarcastic, arms crossed, and Connor could see a glint of anger in her eyes. Oh, great.

“I was on my way to the library, I texted you that.” He said, and Zoe frowned, shaking her head.

“You texted me that you were on your way to the library 30 minutes after dismissal. What were you doing before then?” She asked, and Connor groaned. Why did she have to be so nosy? He almost called her out on it, but he was careful to bite his tongue. He didn’t want to erase the progress they’d made.

“Nothing, I just… Ran into this dude. It’s fine.”

“Yep. Fine.” Zoe deadpanned, staring at the bruise on Connor’s cheek. 

“Really! I mean, we didn’t even really fight. He just punched once. It’s not that big of a deal.” He said, trying to sound convincing, but Zoe looked like she wasn’t believing any of his shit. He racked his brain for something to change the topic.

“Oh, and I ran into Jared, too.” He said, and at this Zoe tilted her head, curiously.

“Oh yeah?” She asked, leaning against the doorframe like a fucking suburban dad giving their kid The Talk. “How did that go?”

“So bad. I don’t know how you and Evan stand him, he’s so annoying. And even when he knows he’s annoying, he keeps going, like he likes to see people suffer. And he fucking rambles, oh my god.” Connor said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he replayed the event in his head.

Zoe smirked at him. “It’s endearing!” She says with a chuckle, and Connor shakes his head, a smile threatening to work its way onto his face. He flattens it immediately. He will not laugh when talking about Jared Kleinman unless it’s at his expense.

“More like insufferable.” He replied, and Zoe snorted, shaking her head and looking at her nails again. She looked like she was thinking.

“But, that was the worst of it? He wasn’t an asshole?” She asks, and Connor scowls at her at first, and then frowns.

“Well… I mean.” He paused. “There’s… He has the asshole quality. It’s ingrained into his being. But I guess it wasn’t… active today. Or towards me. So, no?” Connor’s confused, and Zoe smirks again.

“His asshole-energy is dormant today?” She asks dryly, and then she scoffs when Connor nods.

“That’s good though, right? You guys are… Getting closer?” She asks hesitantly, and Connor snorts.

“More like I’m getting closer to clobbering him, but sure.” Connor said, and Zoe had a stupid, smug, knowing look on her face as she smiled slyly and walked out of his room, closing the door behind her. Connor huffed and buried himself in his MCR blankets (It was a joke! Really!), closing his eyes. Fuck, he was tired.

Connor’s thoughts once again ended up at Jared, as they usually tended to do. It wasn’t his fault, it’s just that Jared was so incomprehensibly fucking weird that his brain kept trying to process it. Like their interaction today, for example.

Connor had just finished arguing with an old friend Matthew, a greasy, unpleasant bastard that ditched him after he came out. It didn’t bother Connor anymore, but it was when Matthew started insinuating, that was what drove Connor over the edge. He tried to punch him, but Matthew expertly dodged, and punched Connor instead. The words spewing out of his mouth bounced off of Connor, but they left burn marks where they hit.

And then he had left. Finally the asshole got tired of taunting him and left. And, of course, Jared Kleinman was standing right there.

Connor hadn’t known how much he had seen. It didn’t matter. He didn’t have a right to know anything. Connor knew he’d overheard something, and would give Connor shit about it.

And once again, Connor was proven wrong. He had made a comment at first, yeah, but it wasn’t nearly at biting as some of the other things Jared had said in the past. He had offered Connor makeup to cover up the bruise, which Connor was still struggling to wrap his head around. And then, he spoke to Connor like he spoke to Evan and Zoe, as if they hadn’t hated each other for every previous year of high school. 

It bothered Connor, because Zoe was right about Jared. It bothered him because now, all of these years of Jared taunting him in halls didn’t exactly disappear, but they were duller now, like something that happened ages ago and not a few months ago.

It made him feel weird, because he didn’t really absolutely despise Jared anymore. Sure, he was annoying as fuck and irritated the shit out of him, but before, Connor had actively had violent thoughts towards him. Now all he had the energy to do was flip him off. And that was terrifying.

He looked back down at his soulmate mark. There was something floating in his head that he couldn’t quite pinpoint, a question that was unanswered, lingering doubtfully.

Eventually he gave up and shut his eyes, lulling himself into a deep, highly-needed nap. And of course, since the universe hated him, he had a dream.

He was underwater, and judging from the wax figure floating a few feet away from him, he was in the hourglass in his soul mark. Now he could see it more closely.

It had no distinguishing features. No face, just the crude shape of a human. The soft light emanating from outside of the hourglass cast an eerie green light on it. It was unsettling, how absolutely lifeless it seemed. Lifeless. That word repeated again and again and again in Connor’s head, and every time it did a distinct bitter feeling creeped into him until he felt awful. He couldn’t move. He could just look at the wax figure, motionless. Lifeless.

The feeling seeped into him until he couldn’t feel anything except the cold water surrounding him. The silence was deafening, the way the light bounced off of the wax was blinding now, awful. Everything was awful. It felt like he was floating there for hours, unable to think or move or feel. He could only look at that fucking wax figure. Lifeless.

He woke up. His soulmate must have not been having the best day, he thought bitterly as he looked over at the clock and tried to catch his breath. It had only been about half an hour, but he wasn’t tired anymore. In fact, he didn’t think he would sleep tonight.

The next morning, he and Zoe drove to school together, chatting idly about mostly nothing. It was good, though. It felt easy. 

Connor was walking to his first period when he ran into someone. He was about to cuss them out until he realized that it was Alana Beck, and he didn’t have a chance to say anything before she started talking.

“Oh, hello Connor! I’m Alana, remember? We worked on a science project together once.” She said, and Connor nodded tiredly. “Great! It’s good to see you! Zoe’s told me that you and her are getting along better. And naturally that means you’re getting along better with Evan, because he’s her soulmate, and Jared, too! And so if you’re getting along better with all of her friends, I hope we can get along better too! I think we would make great acquaintances! What do you think?” She said in one breath, and Connor was a little impressed, if not scared.

Alana was fine. She had never given Connor any shit. But he didn’t know anything about her, other than the fact that she was in countless extracurricular activities, including at least a dozen clubs. She seemed nice enough, but a little ingenuine. 

“Uh, sure?” It came out kind of like a question, but Alana seemed pleased with the response. She clapped him on the shoulder and then dashed away, off to who-knows-where. Connor let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and walked to his usual spot, where he went to skip class. The grimy spot behind the cafeteria.

He leaned against the dirty, dark gray wall of it, reaching for his messenger bag to sneak in a smoke. Then he remembered Zoe’s bullshit talk about addiction and how she cared about his well being, and he sighed deeply, rubbing his temples. 

Instead of grabbing his weed, he reached for the book he was reading. It was a little loaded, and the author’s prose was a bit pretentious, but the plot was good, so Connor liked it. He never really shared his literary interest with anyone, since he didn’t want to get picked on even more than he already was, so he only ever read when he was alone or at home.

The chapter was about the protagonist’s internal struggle with accepting her fate, or some bullshit like that. It was pretty entertaining how the author kept comparing her plight to fruit. My soul is sucked dry of life like a shriveled, withered raisin. Connor snorted.

He kept reading for a little while until he heard footsteps. His head snapped up and he saw… Guess who? Who could have been sent by the gods to personally ruin Connor’s reading session and torment him? It was none other than the Insanely Dumb Jared Kleinman, looking insanely dumb as usual, looking at Connor casually as if interrupting his literary activities was just so breezy and cool.

“What are you doing here?” Connor asked, scowling at him, and Jared, the little shit, smiled!

“A good question! A valid question. Which I’ll answer. Right now.” Jared said, and then stared at Connor, who raised an eyebrow.

“Go on.” Connor said, and made a shoo-ing motion with his hands. Jared nodded and cleared his throat.

“Of course. Okay. So, you kind of gave me the Bro Talk, right? Well, not really. I mean, kind of? You just threatened me outside of your room, which is a terrible way to treat a guest, by the way. But what I’m saying is, you gave the talk. But I kind of didn’t. And I think I’m supposed to.” He said, and Connor frowned.

“Alright, there are so many flaws in what you just said. First of all, why are you going to give me the talk? Why not Zoe” Connor asked, and Jared rolled his eyes.

“Why’d you threaten me and not Evan?”

Connor blinked. He had a point. “Well… Evan’s, uh. Fragile? No, not fragile, pure maybe? I don’t know, it would feel wrong threatening him.” Jared nodded in agreement.

“Same deal. Your sister’s pretty chill and we’re kind of friends now so talking to her about this would totally kill the vibe. You, on the other hand, already hate me, so this is fine. Plus I’m assuming that she’ll listen to you, and not me.”

“What makes you think that? We’re not just happy-happy now. There’s still tension.” Connor said, a little sullenly, and forced himself to keep his voice nonchalant. Jared looked at him for a moment, in a weird way, like he was a word on a page. 

“She trusts you.” He says, and Connor looked at Jared, surprised. Zoe trusted him? Zoe trusted him. He’d never thought that before. 

“She does?” He asked, his voice kind of detached, and Jared nodded.

“Yep. So this is actually a great idea, on my part. Alright, I’m not gonna delay this any further, so I’m just gonna jump right into it. Evan’s not weak, or fragile or anything. He’s just sensitive, and he overthinks things. Anything that might indicate that he’s done something wrong? He dwells on it, and if it doesn’t get resolved, he keeps dwelling on it until he feels like shit, and I hate to see him like that, because he doesn’t deserve it. So just fucking… I don’t know. Tell Zoe to be careful. Evan can’t do shit to her, but she could destroy him. She has to get her flighty shit in line, because I owe Evan too much to just let it slide.” Jared finishes, and Connor doesn’t really know what to say. 

Jared doesn’t look uncomfortable. He looks confident, confrontational, but for real this time. Not like the facade he puts on in the hallways, all smug grins and barking laughter. No, here, his expression is stern, his eyebrows are furrowed stubbornly and he’s standing straight. He looks genuine, real. Raw. Connor would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit intimidated, even though he hated that thought.

“Why are you telling me now?” Connor heard himself say. “Why not at the start, when they first found out?”

Connor sees Jared falter. His jaw clenches and he shifts his weight from foot to foot, his posture falls slightly and now his mouth is a thin, tight line, his eyes flickering about, looking at the floor. 

“I, uh. I guess I just… I don’t think I’m a good enough friend to be vouching for him, you know? I’m like… It’s like I’ve been shitty all these years and now all of a sudden I’m defending him. It feels fake, ingenuine, right? To be trying to protect him when he didn’t have anyone to protect him when I taunted him.” He says, and Connor thinks it’s maybe the most personal thing he’s ever told him. He tries to sympathise with Jared, to try to feel some pity for him, but he just can’t. 

“Why the sudden change of heart?” He asked, and it came out sort of bitter. Jared looks up at him now, the expression in his eyes indecipherable.

“I decided to put my self-conscious bullshit aside for a moment. I was a shitty friend, but if I don’t do anything, I’m an even shittier one. I have to do something. Evan deserves it, no matter who it comes from. And thus,” Jared motions towards the two of them vaguely. “I am here. Anyways, this is really tense and awkward so I’m just gonna go now, but don’t forget what I said.” Jared said lamely, and began to walk off.

Connor thought about that for a moment, about what he said. Something very unpleasant wormed into his head, but when he tried to deny it, he couldn’t. He sighed deeply. And then he looked up and called Jared back.

“For the record, I don’t hate you.” He said, and then wrinkled his nose up in disgust the minute he vocalized it. Gross.

Jared looked very bemused. His eyes were wide and he tilted his head slightly. He looked kind of like a puppy. “Sorry, what?”

“You said it didn’t matter if you gave me the talk, because I already hate you. I don’t anymore, or at least, not entirely. So, yeah.” Connor said, feeling more awkward by the second. Jared stares at him, wordlessly, for a few long, drawn out moments.

And then he smiles. It’s a small, genuine, pleasant smile that fangirls on tumblr would probably call wholesome or something. It makes his whole face light up, his eyes are brightened and his dimples show and his glasses scoot upwards from where they rested on the bridge of his nose. He looks at Connor, just smiling, smiling at him, and it’s just for a few moments, but it feels… warm.

“I don’t hate you either.” Jared says, his voice light and airy but somehow grounded, too. The way Jared looks at him for a moment. It’s strange, foreign. Happy. He walks away, and Connor stares after him. He feels warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big gays :////
> 
> comments make me happy :::’))) yall r rad


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alana chap! love her

Alana liked to think she was a straightforward gal. She knew what her goals were and everything she did was to achieve them. She didn’t quite entertain the idea of free-time, and her extracurricular activities and any talents she might have were all for the college applications. What she wanted most was to succeed, or rather, to not fail. These were traits that most people knew about her, and she was just fine with that. Yes, she had more to her than her sharp ambition and eagerness to win, but she was okay with coming across as uptight and work-oriented. That looked more professional.

However, as of late, things have been shifting. Not in a way immediately noticeable to her, but gradually the shift had become so intense that she would be irrational to ignore it. This began when Zoe Murphy, one of Alana’s dearest aqquantances, found her soulmate, Evan Hansen.

Alana did not want a soulmate. Alana did not need a soulmate. That’s what her mother and the doctors told her when she had turned 7 and she still didn’t have a soulmate mark. 

It made her miserable, inconceivably furious at first. She was livid, because what that meant was that there was nobody meant for her. That she was destined to spend the rest of her days surrounded by friends who love each other, and she would always be the one without. It was unfair, absolutely unfair. 

And oh, had she tried dating other people without soulmates. She had tried many, many times. But it’s not the same. With soulmates, the person is supposed to be your perfect match, your other half. People without soulmate marks dating each other is like two mismatched puzzle pieces trying to fit. The same can be said for any non-soulmate match, even though people like to date around before they meet their official s.o.

She had eventually learned to live with it. She didn’t need a soulmate. She had friends, or more accurately put, acquaintances, who loved her in their own special way. They regarded her a put-together individual and she appreciated that. She had enough platonic fulfillment to replace any romantic cravings she might ever have.

Zoe Murphy was her first friend- acquaintance. She wasn’t jealous of Zoe, because she hadn’t found her soulmate yet, so they were basically the same, right? In a way, perhaps. Zoe didn’t know that Alana didn’t have a soulmate mark, and she didn’t need to know. Zoe appreciated her intellect and listened to her speak, and in return Alana respected her free-spirited nature and sometimes intense temperament. 

Their platonic relationship had gone swimmingly for a few years. They spoke of casual matters, had sleepovers, went to the movies… Basic social activities. It was fun, sometimes. Most of the time Alana was too busy worrying about the heapload of work she had to do to actually enjoy it, but she appreciated Zoe’s attempt at getting her to have a good time.

Alana had grown to… Rely on Zoe. Rely on her as someone who listened, who cared. Who always had time for her, even if Alana didn’t always have time for Zoe. It was reassuring, and safe.

Obviously things changed when she found Evan. A part of Alana always knew they were soulmates, it was evident in the way their eyes lingered on each other and how Zoe always seemed to have a certain liking towards the boy. 

Alana felt that, in a way, she had been replaced. Things that Zoe talked to her about were now spoken to Evan first. Their outings usually included him, and if they didn’t, he usually tagged along anyways. Evan really was a sweet boy. Alana had no problem with him.

Except that now, she didn’t exactly know who she was left with. All of a sudden her dozens and dozens of “acquaintances” seemed so far away. Alana realized that nobody had the time for her rants and rambles anymore. She was, in a way, alone. 

But this was better, right? She had more time for the important things. Yes, she had gotten too caught up in frivolous teenage affairs, and was behind on her workload. Alana spent more time in her room and the library now. She worked tirelessly, plastering on her signature smile in her clubs, club after club after club. And when had she gotten into so many? 

And Alana was tired. Physically and emotionally drained. But she couldn’t stop. She had to give it her all. She had to impress. 

And that’s what got her back into the grind. She pushed all of her personal needs aside in favor of what she needed to do. 

Alana was currently typing up something on her computer, an extra credit assignment. It was coming out fantastically well, which pleased her, and she didn’t blink as the words fell out of her head and onto the tips of her fingers, to be shown on the surface of the screen. 

There was a knock on her bedroom door. “Come in.” She said distractedly as she continued to type, and her door opened. She glanced over it and saw that it was her dad, carrying a plate of linguini. 

“Heya, kid. What’re you up to?” He asked, smiling at her. Alana didn’t look away from the screen as she answered.

“Doing work. It’s pretty important. I’ll eat after it’s done.” She said, and her father’s smile turned wistful.

“Are you sure? It’ll get cold.” 

“I’ll reheat it.” Alana said, and then looked to her dad. “Really, I will.” Her father nodded and left, closing the door behind him. Alana sighed and as she was going to type up her next sentence. she got a text. She looked at her phone and saw who it was from.

Zoe Murphy- Hey Lana!

Zoe Murphy- I know you’ll probably be busy, but I’m going to this party on friday and I was wondering if you wanted to come with. It’s gonna be really fun!

-Well that does sound interesting, but I don’t really attend parties on a regular basis. And I have to tutor some second graders on friday, so I probably won’t be able to go. I don’t think you should, either. Parties can be dangerous, you don’t want to get drugged. Or kidnapped and murdered!

Zoe Murphy- Haha! I guess they can be, but I’m careful! If anything, Ev, Connor and Jared are the ones getting their drinks spiked.

-They’re going?

Zoe Murphy- ‘Course they are! I had to convince Evan and Connor to go, so that took a while, but Jared was on board immediately.

Zoe Murphy- It sucks that you can’t go, though. I was really looking forward to you coming with us! It would have been loads of fun!

-Our ideas of fun are not the same!

Zoe Murphy- If you’re so sure! 

Zoe Murphy- I’ll send you the address anyways, in case you change your mind. I’ll see you around!

-Take care.

Alana reread the conversation and sighed. Of course Evan, Connor, and Jared were going. Zoe wouldn’t ever invite her to anything exclusively. Maybe Alana was just being selfish.

She couldn’t go. She couldn’t watch the making out and drunk, stumbling teens. She couldn’t even stand there for five minutes knowing that she could be doing something better with her time. She just couldn’t. She’d hate herself for it.

...But she knew she was going to end up going anyways. Zoe always managed to rope her into doing things with her, she had a special way with words. And a special way of making those words linger. In case you change your mind.

Alana sighed and reached for her phone again, and tapped on another contact on the list.

-Hello, Marie! A family emergency came up, so unfortunately I can’t tutor Peter on Friday. Is it okay if I go Saturday instead?

Marie- Of course! Thank you for letting us know in advance. Best of luck with your family emergency!

-Thank you! Times are tough. I’ll see you Saturday!

Marie- Sure thing!

Fucking Zoe Murphy. Alana couldn’t help but snort. She rolled her eyes and turned off her phone, turning to her laptop. Then, she worked, as she always, always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: alcohol and sadness


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a week because im feeling proDUCTIVE—- this and chapter 5 were both beta read by Bird_Stream

Connor leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes and trying to drown out the constant, obnoxious, overwhelming noise that always accompanied high school parties. Unfortunately, it was impossible to escape it. He could almost feel his ear cells dying, one by one. First, the trashy pop song that was blaring loudly on the pretentious speakers. Second, the hypnotic chanting, “CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG”, that could be heard coming from the direction of the house’s kitchen. Then there was the distant but distinct sound of puking, and then the loud chatter from the living room, and then the drunken stumbling of the intoxicated teens breaking things and scuffing the floors of the house… Whose house was it, anyways? Connor didn’t remember.

Long story short, it sucked balls. Connor could not think of a more uncomfortable environment. He traced back his thoughts, trying to find the exact moment in which he had gotten himself into this beer-ridden mess…  
—-  
“No.”

“Please, Connor! It’ll be loads of fun! Who knows, maybe you’ll get laid or something…” Zoe said, winking at him, and Connor scoffed, rolling his eyes. The two of the were sitting on Connor’s bed. A few moments prior, Zoe had barged into his room saying she had a proposition for him. Proposition my ass, Connor thought dryly, more like a death sentence.

“I’m not gonna get laid, because I’m not going.” Connor said, and Zoe pouted. 

“But the rest of the gang is going! Alana and Evan and Jared…” She trailed off, and Connor scowled at her.

“I don’t think you can call it a gang. The only thing we all have in common is knowing you. And besides, you’re only proving my point further. Everyone else is going, so why do I have to? Wouldn’t the car be crowded as it is?” Connor pointed out, and Zoe shook her head.

“No, you’re missing the point! It won’t be as fun without you.” Zoe said, and Connor snorted.

“What ‘fun’ am I gonna bring to the table? Explain, Zoe.” 

“You’ll be the, uh,” Zoe frowned, pausing. “Well, I mean… Your charm!”

“My charm.”

“It’s a dark charm! But a charm nonetheless.” Zoe said, punching Connor lightly in the shoulder. “Come on, Connor! You’ll like it, I promise.”

Connor sighed, squeezing the bridge of his nose. He looked back up at Zoe’s pleading eyes, and shook his head.

“Alright.”

-

“Hey, turn it up!” Jared’s voice said in the cramped car, followed by everyone’s loud protests. They had just pulled out of Alana’s driveway, since she was the last person they picked up, and they were on their way to Lindsay Mcconnell's house party.

Zoe was driving and Connor was riding shotgun, which left the other three squished into the back. Alana and Evan were awkwardly clinging to the windows, while Jared, who was sitting in the middle, was leaning as forward as he could so that his head poked in between Zoe and Connor. 

“Absolutely not.” Connor said, lowering the volume of the horrible song on the radio. Zoe nodded in approval and Jared huffed in annoyance.

“Oh, come on! This song is a bop and you know it! Or is it an emo thing, like you’re not allowed to jam to a song unless it says the words ‘casket’, ‘fist’, and ‘sweat’’ at least once?” Jared asked, and Connor groaned. Kleinman was really testing his patience. Since their interaction behind the cafeteria a few days ago, they had been more or less civil to each other. Or at least, as civil as they could be. They hadn’t really talked much since then, and Connor had hoped that maybe Jared’s whole annoying persona was just temporary. 

Evidently, he was mistaken.

“Okay, first of all, what emo songs are you listening to? Fist? Sweat? Casket? They’re not about fucking necrophiliacs. And secondly, I can…’ jam’… to some pop songs. Just not this one. It’s shit.” Connor said, and Jared gasped. Connor had the impression that he was genuinely offended.

“It’s not shit! You’re shit! The shittiest!” Jared said loudly, and Connor was about to open his mouth to retort when Zoe groaned and shook her head.

“Can you guys stop bickering? I’m getting a migraine and I haven’t even had the first drink yet.”

“Uh, yeah, I second that.” Evan said quietly from the back of the car, raising his hand slightly like he was volunteering in class or something. Alana nodded in agreement and Jared huffed, crossing his arms like a petulant kid, leaning back into his seat. Connor rolled his eyes and looked off to the side, out of the window. He pointedly ignored Jared’s obvious vulgar muttering.

After a dozen minutes or so they arrived at the house the party was taking place at. While Connor’s house said Elegant Wealth, this one said Loud Drunk Rich, and he grimaced as a sleazy looking guy opened the door for them, red solo cup in hand. He winked at and catcalled Alana as she passed, and she promptly punched him in the face, the rest of the group sneering and shunning the greasy fuck.

The setting was, in short, loud, in every way possible. The decor was gaudy and pompous, a pathetic attempt at modernism. There were a fuckton of people, and everyone was constantly bumping into each other, despite the massive size of the house. They had those gaudy colored lights, shining blindingly on the entire ground floor of the home in a bright, intense red. The music playing was awful, the kind of repetitive buzz that made you want to shoot yourself. Connor didn’t know how everyone else seemed to be having such a good time.

Zoe dragged Evan to the dance floor, and Connor watched as the poor guy shot the rest of them a panicked look. Connor shrugged and Jared barked out a laugh as Evan looked scandalized at a girl twerking nearby.

Jared gave Alana and Connor a serious salute as he headed straight for the alcohol. Alana looked awkward for a few moments, before excusing herself and heading to the bathroom. Great, so Connor was alone now.

He shouldered his way past a couple making out until he reached a wall, taking a deep breath and leaning on it. 

\---

And that’s where he was now. Fucking fantastic.

He leaned on that wall for what what felt like hours, but was probably only 30 minutes. The songs got gradually shittier and shittier until Connor couldn’t take it anymore. He clenched his fists as he made his way to the door that lead to the backyard pool. He spotted Zoe and Evan, the two of them dancing with the rest of the crowd. Evan’s movements were awkward and jerky compared to Zoe’s practiced groove, but they were both laughing, and they looked happy. Zoe leaned in to kiss him, and Connor looked away. He did not want to see his sister make out with Evan.

As he approached the backyard door, he looked over at the kitchen bar, but Jared wasn’t there. He looked around the lower floor, but he was nowhere to be found. Connor shrugged. He was probably passed out in a closet somewhere.

He slid open the door and walked outside, breathing in the fresh air. It was quieter out here, there were fewer people, a few scattered couples talking in hushed tones. He spotted Alana sitting by the pool, dipping her feet in. He approached her, sitting down next to her and sitting criss cross applesauce.

“Having fun?” He asked, and she laughed, shaking her head.

“Not exactly. I only came because Zoe roped me into it. Parties aren’t my ideal way of spending my time.” She said, and Connor nodded.

“She roped me into it, too. It’s fucking hell in there.” Alana nodded in agreement, smiling slightly. She swayed her feet in the water a little, and Connor knew she was thinking about something.

“I don’t… Understand the hype of it all.” She said, knitting her eyebrows together. “I always end up going to whatever Zoe invited me to. What’s the point? As far as I can tell, all of this only leads to hangovers and bad decisions. The fun isn’t worth the consequences.”

“Yeah, but we’re still here, so I guess we do get it, at least a little.” He said, and Alana scoffed slightly.

“Yeah. I guess so.” She said, standing up and shaking off her feet. “I think I’m going to go try some alcohol. Perhaps I’m just missing out…” She said quietly to herself, and Connor watched her leave. He realized that it was the most sincere conversation he had ever had with her, and for the first time, he considered the thought that maybe Alana wouldn’t be a bad friend to have.

He spent a while just staring at the surface of the pool, lost in thought. Eventually he got up and walked back inside, this time walking up the stairs to the second floor. Might as well explore while he was here. He approached a door to what he expected was one of the bedrooms, and then quickly retreated from it as he heard a noisy moan from inside. He speedwalked past the bathroom and to the next door.

He opened it. It looked pretty neutral-toned and average, so he assumed it was the guest room. He closed the door behind him as he observed the space. It was lit by two lamps emitting a warm, yellow glow, and he revelled in the slight muffling of the horrible music playing from downstairs. He almost didn’t notice Jared sitting next to the bed, up against the wall.

He looked… Well, wasted. His hair was messed up, his face was flushed, and the buttons of his shirt were undone, in a way that assured Connor that he had been engaging in a vaguely sexual activity a few moments prior. He looked lazily up at Connor, taking a long swig of the bottle he was nursing. Connor squinted, trying to read the label. 

“Is that vodka?” Connor asked, and Jared looked down at the bottle he was holding.

“Oh, fuck, I think so. I just grabbed a bottle, I wasn’t looking.” He said with genuine surprise, and Connor watched as he took another swig, even longer now. He sat on the bed, staring down at Jared borderline critically. He looked like a mess. Connor knew he was being kind of hypocritical, but still.

“S’ rude to stare, Connor.” Jared slurred, propping his head against the wall, eyes closed. Connor scoffed at him, shaking his head. Jared opened at eye and raised a brow at Connor.

“Look at you, all critical. Mr. Drug Guy, being critical. Funny.” Jared said, but his voice sounded kind of bitter, kind of empty. Like he didn’t have the energy to mean what he said. Connor scowled at him for a moment, before deciding that he wasn’t worth the effort.

“Fuck you.” He said quietly, and Jared smiled. The only sound for a few seconds was the muffled music.

“Yeah.” Jared agreed, and took another drink of the bottle, even longer now, closing his eyes in a tight grimace. Connor winced as he watched Jared swallow, gulping down the liquid. 

“Put that down.” Connor said after a while, gesturing towards the bottle. Jared looked at it, and then at Connor, and tapped his fingers on the carpet for a while.

“Why?” He raised an eyebrow at Connor, challenging.

Connor looked for something to say, but he couldn’t find anything. Anything would be too hypocritical. He stayed silent, fiddling with the white bedsheets. He could feel Jared’s eyes on him, waiting. Anticipating.

“Did you hear me? Why should I, Connor?” Jared said, a bit louder, leaning in slightly, and Connor fisted the sheets, clenching his teeth. Jared leaned back, against the wall again, and flicked the bottle with his index finger. “Thought so.”

“Why the fuck did you even come?” Connor said, a bit louder than he had intended. “A quick fuck with some drunk chick? The alcohol? Fucking asshole.” His voice was sharp, cutting. Jared looked back at him, his eyes sullen, unaffected. He pressed his mouth into a thin line, glancing off to the side. Connor’s breaths were heavy, angry. 

“Not a quick fuck. I didn’t…” He paused, shaking his head slightly, his voice quieting. “I didn’t let it go that far.” Jared said, and then looked to the bottle. “I came for the same reasons everyone else came. It’s a distraction.”

Connor’s breaths evened, calming down. He didn’t look at Jared, instead staring down, eyebrows knit tightly. They didn’t talk for awhile, and now it was just the muffled music again. Connor shut his eyes, relaxing his jaw and letting the irrational anger sink out of him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Jared said breezily, and set the bottle down beside him with a firm clunk. “We’re all just dumb teens. None us of really knows what we’re doing. We mess around and don’t think, and then we whine when we have to face the consequences.” He said, and cracked his knuckles, standing up. Connor definitely did not watch him stretch for a few moments. Jared seemed to notice and smirked, shaking his head slightly. “It’s our nature.”

“Going to make some more bad choices, then?” Connor asked as Jared reached for the doorknob. He turned for a moment and shot Connor a self-deprecating grin. 

“You know it better than I do.” He said, and then he left. Connor stayed in the room, sitting, thinking. 

He listened to the muffled song playing, but he couldn’t make out the words. He had never heard it before, it was a sluggish, drowsy melody drowned out in a heavy bass and electric guitar. It was messy and chaotic and blurry, far too much and far too little at the same time. It was thousands of things clashing at once, a cacophony of vocals and instruments and feelings. It made Connor’s head spin and his heart rush with something obscure and unknown. It was absolutely indecipherable, a jarring mess. It was beautiful.

Connor stayed in the room, eyes closed, until the song ended. Trashy pop songs followed it, as expected, but this time they weren’t so bad. Connor’s head was reeling with thoughts he couldn’t string together, the party atmosphere downstairs seemed distant compared to this detached, disinterested parallel, to the guest room. He sat still for so long that his body went numb, just listening. 

After about an hour or so Zoe eventually found him, Evan trailing behind her. Most of the people had left, so the three of them found Alana and Jared and got into their car. This time Zoe crawled into the back with Evan, so Connor got into the driver’s seat and Jared slouched into the passenger seat. 

The radio was off, and all of them were too tired to talk, so the ride to each of their houses was quiet. Alana was dropped off first, all of them murmuring goodbyes. Evan was next, and he kissed Zoe goodbye as he walked into his house, greeted by a suspicious looking Heidi. Jared was dropped off last, and he didn’t say anything, simply stumbling out of the car and into his house. 

Zoe had fallen asleep. They were nearing their house, and Connor could still feel the buzz of the party-energy in his body. It was a stupid and pointless excursion. Connor was absolutely exhausted, and even though he didn’t drink anything, he still knew he would feel awful in the morning. And yet, he couldn’t help but feel like the party had been important. Meaningful.

They arrived at their house. Connor woke up an annoyed Zoe and they both snuck in, sliding into their respective rooms and being careful to not make any noise. Connor checked in to make sure Zoe was tucked into her bed before retreating to his. As he buried himself under the sheets, not bothering to change and fully aware that the sun was going to rise soon, all he could think about was that bottle of vodka, and the song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :///
> 
> o btw i have a writing tumblr now so if u want that mediocre angst at 3 am blease follow me, its like bird-lane i think


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaa I’m sorry this took so long! some stuff has been going on but i promise that after this chapter things are gonna get back on schedule. Thanks for all of your patience! This is basically just a filler chapter, so it’s kind of short, but another chapter will be out tomorrow.

Lights. Flashing lights, red. A bright red, a violent red. It’s a frenzy in there, chaotic. The atmosphere clashes with itself, it’s so much, too much. But Jared lives on it, feeds on that energy, addicted. Drink after drink after drink, everything keeps blurring and he can’t tell the difference anymore, can’t feel the person on him, but he doesn’t push away. Until he stumbles into some other place, it’s lighter and yellow and he leans against the wall and clings to whatever the fuck he’s holding.

And then someone walks in, that person, the person, and they talk. And it doesn’t feel real, not when they’re talking, not when he’s holding the sheets like that, not when Jared says goodbye and pukes in the bathroom, and he feels like a child when he cries. But he can’t help it, because that’s just how it goes. He lives until he can’t feel anymore, and then he feels too much at once. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, but it doesn’t stop. Until he gets out and almost everyone’s gone, and Zoe drags him and Alana to the car. Then it’s just numb.

And he watches Connor as he drives, watches the way the streetlights bounce off of his face and make it look so regal, so different and perfect, in a weird way. And he watches the way he tucks some strands of hair behind his ear, and something clicks. Then he knows it’s too much and he looks to the window instead. And when he stumbles into his house he almost wishes his parents heard him, so they could help him, but they don’t. And he sleeps.

—-

 

Jared woke up, and then immediately wanted to die.

His head was fucking killing him. He groaned as he attempted to sit up, and then winced, laying back down. He tried to remember what had happened yesterday, but he couldn’t string much together. He had tried making out with this chick, but he hadn’t felt anything, so he didn’t let it escalate. He had consumed… a lot of alcohol. Vodka. Did he remember vodka? There was definitely vodka.

A bottle of vodka, yeah. And a kind of yellowy light. Where could that have been? Ah, the guest room. Where he talked to someone. Connor? He made him mad. Jared couldn’t exactly remember what he had said, it was all blurry and distant. He groaned again and braced himself as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He felt like absolute shit.

He walked downstairs to his living room. His dad wasn’t home, as usual, and his mom was nowhere he could see. Good, Jared thought numbly, She won’t have to see her precious son hungover and absolutely fucked.

He grabbed a protein bar from the fridge, wrinkling his nose as he bit into the flavorless treat. He tossed it into the trash and rooted around in his fridge for a while. Nothing good. He shrugged and grabbed his phone, reading the messages he had avoided when he woke up.

Tree-banger - Hey Jared! I just wanted to like check in you know?

Tree-banger - Since Zoe said she saw you drinking a whole lot! and like thats not great

Tree-banger - even though youre probably used to drinking and partying a lot right!! 

Tree-banger - but i mean still how are you doing

-my head is gonna fucjing explkde

Tree-banger- Oof! im sorry i don't know how to help because ive never really been hungover

-its okay, thanks for asking at least, this sucks balls

Tree-banger- Yeah id assume so! was it worth it tho?

-huh

-i… think so?

-i mean i dont remember much but i guess it felt important

Tree-banger- That’s awesome!!!

Tree-banger- So lit!!

-evan , dude, never say lit again

Tree-banger- Yeah okay!

Tree-banger- want me to come over? I can offer moral support

-no thanks, i kinda wanna just you know

-stew in my own pain and suffering

Tree-banger- alright but let me know if you change your mind!

-k

Jared closed his eyes and leaned on the kitchen counter, taking a deep breath. He really wished things would stop spinning. 

Jared walked back up the stairs and slouched into his room, turning on his laptop and curling up on his bed. “There’s nothing netflix can’t fix.” He muttered under his breath as he browsed through the wide selection of movies, trying to find a good one. Or a horribly bad one that he could laugh at, either was good.He ended up watching a boring-ass wildlife documentary, and he was just dozing off when he heard someone open the door.

He walked over to a spot on the stairs where he could see the door, and saw him mom holding some groceries. She looked back up at him and waved. Jared nodded at her and walked downstairs to greet her.

“Jared, no offense honey, but why do you look like utter shit?” She asked, voice sweet, and Jared snorted. She set down the bags and leaned over the counter, observing him. Jared shifted his feet, waving vaguely.

“Nothin’, just feeling sort of under the weather, y’know the drill.” He said, and his mother squinted at him, but nodded, pointing towards the medicine cabinet, but Jared shook his head. He walked up the stairs, and trudged into his room. He shut the door behind him and readied himself for a day of shitty wildlife docs and depressing doritos.

————

Zoe smiled along to the laugh track that was playing from the TV in her room. She was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S, hangover-free. She was careful to avoid any alcohol for that exact reason. Plus, now she could remember all of the embarrassing things her friends had done the day before.

Chandler had just made another sarcastic snipe when she heard a knock on her door. Zoe frowned, pausing the TV. “Who is it?”

“Connor.” Zoe sighed, rolling her eyes. They were doing this now, huh?

It’s not that Zoe didn’t like talking to Connor. They’d both made it clear that they wanted to make amends, and Zoe had meant it. Forgiving him was difficult, and she didn’t think she could ever completely excuse what he’d done, but she wanted their dynamic to change. She wanted to be a sister to him, a proper one. One that wasn’t a coward.

It’s just that whenever Connor knocked on her door, he wanted to talk about something serious, and Zoe didn’t want to ruin her binge session. Oh well, she thought reluctantly, these are the sacrifices we make to rebuild bridges.

“Come in.” She said. Connor opened the door, closing it behind him. He looked out of place in the room, the neon stars and lights adorning its walls contrasting against his dull colored clothing. Zoe patted the space next to her on her bed, raising an eyebrow, and Connor awkwardly sat next to her, knees brought together.

Zoe sighed, reading his hesitant expression. “Alright. What are you thinking? You came to talk about something serious, right?” She asked, and Connor shifted in his seat.

“No, I mean. Not this time. No teen angst here.” Connor said, laughing nervously. Zoe gave him a cut-the-shit look, and he cleared his throat.

“I just wanted to… Say thanks. For making me go to the party.” He said, and Zoe couldn’t suppress a snort. 

“Are you kidding? It was a horrible idea, I forced you to go even though you didn’t want to. You didn’t even have a good time.” Connor nodded.

“Yeah, but I mean. You still invited me. That’s worth something. You thought to do that, which you’ve never done before. So thanks.” He said, and Zoe tilted her head slightly.

“...You’re welcome?” She said, and before she could react, Connor hugged her. 

Zoe was brought back to when they were in elementary school. Zoe was in third grade and Connor was in fifth. Some kids had been making fun of her macaroni project because it came out lopsided. She hadn’t been able to hold back her tears. When Connor found her, he hunted down the kids and put a bunch of ants in their bookbags. Zoe remembered the way he had hugged her, laughing as the kids screeched in the distance, their sneakers squeaking against the floor, running.

It was brief, only a few seconds, before he pulled back and left the room, but Zoe knew she would remember it.

She shook her thoughts away, and tried to focus on the show, but she couldn’t. She groaned in frustration, turning off the TV. 

She heard her phone buzz.

Ev- Hey Zoe!

-Hey evan! How r u holding up after your party experience™️

Ev- I’m alright!

Ev- It wasnt as bad as i thought it would be

Ev- although, there was a lot of sweat

-Yeah thats kind of a given

-But its good that you liked it! Who knows, maybe ill bring you to the next one

Ev- :)

-What about Jared? didnt see much of him ://

Ev- he was drinking his body weight in alcohol. he has a really bad hangover now

-Yikes. That cant be healthy

Ev- he only ever drinks at parties so i never tell him anything but im kind of worried about him…

-Maybe you should talk to him about that

Ev- Yeah, maybe.

Ev- Oof, gtg help my mom set smth up downstairs

-alright! Bye Ev! <3

Ev- :0000 <3

Zoe smiled down at her phone, feeling giddy. She hated being like those Stereotypical Girlfriends™️ who gush over every little sign of affection, but she couldn't help it. Plus, she knew Evan didn’t trust people very easily, so it meant more to her that he was comfortable around her. 

The soulmate thing didn’t hurt, either. It was like every word, every interaction between them was enhanced. Being together just felt right. She’d always said that she didn’t want to settle down, but now… Well, the idea didn’t seem so awful. Especially if it was with Evan. 

Ugh, gross, She thought to herself, and shook her head, reaching for the remote. Time for F.R.I.E.N.D.S.


End file.
